Grad School Diary: Final Entry
I know not how long I have known the feeling that all is passing. It feels like it has been with me forever. And yet I do not know how to easily let go of that which affects me strongly. As I grow and wonder, with less fear, about my expiration and with more curiosity about where, how, and state of being when I run into cessation, my embrace of the belief that I do not know becomes stronger. Maybe like St. Augustine says, we know but have forgotten; in which case to live as truthfully as one can is the process of remembering. But where am I going? How can I know now what I have never known before? What is next? How can I answer when I know I do not really know what ought to be next? How can I say I know what I want when I have come to know what I believe myself in want of, in gaining proves insufficient? I see that I have to accept my blindness, so to see that which I am blind to. If I am constantly learning that I need what I thought I did not care for, how can I pretend or lie that I know what I desire? In other words, what I desire is what I do not know and all that I have known have proven to be not all that I really desire. That the actuality of a feeling is not the same outside of feeling, i.e. it does not equate the object that arouses said emotions, because oftentimes it is not the object to which the emotions are owned but what one sense in the object yet does not know, or knows as the unknown. That that which I crave is not that which I crave but that which I do not know I crave. That all that I have to offer is given to me to offer and thus to make these offerings is to function as I ought to. That the situation is that I am simply lost and to know myself to be lost is the process of self-discovery. That what will be will be as it ought to be. That I must love to hurt and hurt to love. That I laugh to cry to laugh to cry. That I must fall to know what it means to stand and to know what it means to fall. That forever awaits and the finite never pauses because now walks on, and sometimes run, or sometimes crawls. I see now that I am a fool and to be happy, I must remain a fool, even when it hurts. I see now that I am lucky to breathe––I am lucky in being! I see now that I am always where I need to be even when I wish to be elsewhere. I see now that I must always always always trust that it will all be well, as Julian of Norwich says, because what sustain us is love; all that is true is all that is beautiful which is true wisdom and a bliss call Love. And that I do not understand is because I think I can see what I cannot see.
I owe my growth in thinking and the beautiful opportunity of a graduate degree to many and I have mentioned them here a couple of times, but one incredibly awesome person whom I have neglected to mention is my über cool graduate deputy, James Davis. He gave me the priceless gift of believing in me and thus giving me an opportunity that I had originally not asked for and did not believe I needed. One could not find a better graduate deputy any where––no professor has ever listened to me, really listened, as Prof. Davis always did. One always walk out of his office feeling lighter, understood.
So long grad school! The process has been everything I would have asked for if I had known what to ask for.