Journal of an Aspiring Artist

I recently quit my job. I liked working there due to several appealing challenges it held for me.  It was different from anything I had done previously and I worked with a really cool team; but I was employed by a bully. I do not like being bullied. I think it's reasonable to call it quits when your employer refuses to pay your wages. That's just absurd.

Scarlet by Jane Odartey
Yes, it's hard times and jobs are like the proverbial needle in the haystack, but at a very early age I made a promise not to let quick-tempered men control my stress buttons. Money is important, in that it gives us that serene false sense of security. False because whether or not one has a job, money comes and goes as it pleases. Weird things happen, and we lose and gain everything, except to suffer the "what the heck am I going to do now?" feeling.

My schedule's been cleared up for almost two weeks now, and I am back to that place I always go when I don't know what to do with myself: writing, reading, museum-gallery hopping and playing in photoshop. I find myself muttering to my photoshop screen daily, instead of the usual once-a-week, to meet my art blog's deadline.

I have and I'm still holding back in calling myself an Artist. I feel that I am not ready to claim that title. I feel that I am yet to prove my ability to create art to myself.  Or I am just scared that I won't meet my own standards once I go into title mode. That I might fail at the one thing that I believe I am meant to do. I know I'm being silly, but try reasoning with tangled-up emotions of fear and uncertainty. I have lately been calling myself "an aspiring artist." This doesn't put any pressure on me. The word "aspiring" is loose, after all. There's no commitment. Nothing to prove.

The more I write and edit my work, the more I learn to respect the great pull that writing and photography have on me, the more I start to think that I really should take things a bit more seriously. Sooner or later I will role into the title. I am  very curious as to what it would do to me. I sense that it may have a significant influence on what I create, I just don't know what this influence would be. And I really don't have anything to lose. Or do I?


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